Monica and Chandler are massaging each other, but Monica is really bad at it and actually hurts Chandler. However, Chandler doesn't want to tell Monica, because he doesn't want "to screw up his first real relationship by telling the truth". When she massages Phoebe, the truth comes out that no one likes Monica's massages, which is a problem for her as she wants to be the best in everything, but it also creates problems between Monica and Chandler because he didn't tell her the truth. Chandler manages to handle the situation by convincing Monica that she is the best in "giving bad massages".
Joey wants to look great for an audition, but he doesn't have a good style and comes home with a "top hat", which the others make fun of. Rachel takes him down to the store to help him out, but wants to give him a shoulder bag that goes with the clothes. Joey is furious at first, but he starts to really like it, as it isn't just good looking, but also useful. The others still make fun of him, as Joey really looks like a woman with a purse. At the audition, they also think it's a purse and send him away, because he insists on wearing the bag. Rachel finally convinces Joey that the world just isn't ready for Joey and his bag.
Phoebe's grandma, Frances, has died and Phoebe is organizing her funeral. Ursula doesn't come, because she thought Frances was dead already, but who does show up is her father. However, as soon as Phoebe asks for his name, he regrets saying his real name and runs away. Phoebe catches him, and manages to get an appointment with him in Central Perk, pretending to be Frances' lawyer. He tells her that he came to the funeral to speak to Lily, but Phoebe tells her that Lily has been dead for 17 years. When he asks how the kids are, Phoebe reveals that she is his daughter. They awkwardly make up a bit, where it is revealed that her father always sang a sleepsong for her with the same melody as Smelly Cat.